Chapter 26
by theeShadyLady
Summary: The last pages of TFIOS that John Green didn't have the heart to write for us.


**_A/N- The last pages of TFIOS that John Green didn't have the heart to write for us. So I will be writing them for him. I, however, don't have quite the extensive vocabulary as our dear John does, but bear with me._**

 ** _((DISCLAIMER: I do not own_ The Fault in Our Stars _or any of its characters))_**

Chapter 26

"Hazel? Hazel! Honey, can you hear me? Hazel?" My mom's voice sounded far away. I felt hands on my face, on my shoulders, on my back. I could not respond. I Hurt. Everywhere. I don't know where it came from. I had just clicked print after reading the scanned version of my eulogy from Augustus and that's when my chest started to hurt, followed by my head, and then everything else.

I felt myself being lifted, but I don't know by who; probably my dad. I remember the sound of a car door slamming, seat belts clicking, my mom crying. I remember bright lights as my dad carried me through the ER doors, again. I don't remember him saying anything. I don't remember the nurse asking me to rate my pain. But both of these things must have happened, because I remember the excruciating pain it took to lift up my hands and display nine of my fingers. Only nine, because I know what ten feels like and even this was not quite it.

After that everything went black.

I woke up later—maybe days or maybe just hours, I'm not sure—but it was later. My mom and dad were both sitting by the edge of my hospital bed crying. I couldn't ask. I didn't want to. It was bad. I knew it was bad just from the dull ache that I could feel despite the pain meds that I knew were being pumped into my body.

"Note? My note?" was all I could ask.

My mom looked up, tried for a second to stop the flow of her tears, but gave up. "The one that was printing? I have it. It's right here, Hazel." She dug around in her bag (the one she always had packed in case of emergencies, such as this) and pulled out two sheets of paper. They were crumpled up, which for some reason made me angry, they were from Augustus and she just shoved them into her bag haphazardly like they were nothing. But I quickly forgave her for not caring about what she thought were just a couple sheets of paper, reminding myself that she was a little preoccupied with her grenade threatening to detonate.

Before I let myself reread the papers, I build up the courage to ask what's wrong with me. Looking at the floor instead of me, my dad opened his mouth to explain, but I silenced him by clicking the nurse button on the side of the bed. And I kept clicking it until she appeared. I didn't want my dad to have to explain what I was already sure was coming.

"You're awake," my nurse smiled. "What do you need, dear?" She was using that condescending voice.

 _A new nurse,_ I thought to just myself. Aloud, however, I asked "What's wrong with me?" I tried to sound strong, I really did, but my voice caught on the last word when a shock of momentary pain beat out the pain medicine.

"Oh, I'm actually not the best person to answer that question. I'll be right back with Dr. Maria."

 _Coward._

Not a minute later, Dr. Maria walked in, alone.

"Hazel," she said formally.

"Dr. Maria," I said back.

"Hazel, I know this isn't what you want to hear, but you know I never lie to you. Your tumors have started growing again. Rapidly. And they have spread." She paused watching my reaction before continuing. I did my best to keep my face void of emotion. "I have never seen tumors spread this fast, but they have. The other doctors and I believe it's a side effect of Philanxifor. The tumors have reached your heart, Hazel, and it isn't good."

My breath felt shallow—shallower—as I looked up at the ceiling willing myself not to cry. My cancer is made of me, and I it. There is no winner in that battle, Augustus taught me that. "How," I took a few breaths to build up my nerve, "How long?"

Dr. Maria puffed out a breath and clenched her jaw, which gave me the feeling she was trying not to cry as well. "At most... twenty four hours... your heart was already weak to begin with..." She couldn't go on.

"Oh," I said looking down at the eulogy Augustus wrote for me. I hadn't expected that short of a timeline.

"I'm so sorry, Hazel." I didn't think doctors were supposed to be so emotional. I didn't think they could let themselves get attached to their patients, especially not a cancer patient. I mentally added her to my list of casualties as I started to reread my eulogy.

Dr. Maria left the room so we could be alone. This was it. This is where I was supposed to say my goodbyes to my family and tell them repeatedly I loved them, even though they already knew. But I didn't. I read my eulogy. I figured I'd have time when I was done reading. I figured I deserved to be a little selfish, just for a little while. My mom tried to talk to me, but I could bring myself to keep up a conversation for very long.

I felt tears sliding down my cheeks, recognized my breathing becoming increasingly difficult, and tolerated my pain as it tried to consume me. But I kept rereading my eulogy trying to imagine Gus saying it, trying to hear his voice forming the words, attempting to get my own prefuneral.

I reread that thing eight, nine, ten times before the words became too blurry for me to read and never once did I get the feeling that Augustus was the one reading it.

I heard my mom say "We love you and we will always be your parents." And I managed to choppily answer, "I...love you, too... I love... you both." Even my own voice sounds distant but somehow I convince myself to hang on a few seconds longer, "Tell Isaac...I'm sor...ry for...leav...ing him, too... I...love...you..."

And all it once I got that feeling that I was in that third space that Augustus and I used to go on the phone. I could feel him all around me, but I couldn't see him. I couldn't see anything.

 _Augustus?_ I heard myself ask without actually saying anything at all. I thought to myself how silly I was being, he wasn't there. But deep down I felt a twinge of hope; maybe, just maybe, he was. And that hope exploded when I heard:

 _Hazel Grace,_ his voice echoed around me and I could just hear that crooked smile that I love so much, _I missed you._

 _I missed you, too,_ I said back.

 _You okay, Hazel Grace?_

 _I'm okay._ And I was. Because this was Something and as long as Something included Augustus Waters, I would always be okay.

 _Okay._

 **~theeShadyLady~**


End file.
